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Dryad on the Wind

Catch me on the stardust highway, I'll be wearing a crown of pine needles and coffee beans.

In and Out of the Ether

I find myself partially in one or two or several worlds, always. Places where language is fluid…disjointed syntax and liberally adjusted grammar. In and out of the ether. In and out of my body. I’ve come to a point where I no longer have the energy or desire to be anything but myself, and sometimes I am difficult to pin. I don’t like introductions or “About Me’s” in the slightest. An abstract old spirit in a fun, young body. Youth isn’t always wasted on the young! The only purpose of this blog is to express…to make a little sense of my existence or at least maintain a record for myself. How else do we learn, if not from history? And about ourselves if not from our own? The moods will vary. The language will fluctuate and there will be periods of silence or just pictures or bullet point lists. I have been reborn recently; my only desire now is to continue growing as myself in the most fearless and sincere manner possible.

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Reflection Before Motion

I want to offer myself

To give myself entirely in the only way I know how; a babbling brook of words, a flood of tears, gentle hands wiping them away

I want to show my timid heart and resilient soul side-by-side, and not be mocked for its softness, but I still fear the cruelty the world has shown me

I keep holding in these words. A new cadence, new rhythm as I explore the depths of myself and the gifts God has given me (which show me the depths of each of you)

I’m being asked now to trust in ways that send me scurrying back into myself, the lamb acting as ram wearing a lion’s mane as disguise…I want to hide because…because? I must not yet trust-

No, as I write I do trust. I feel myself facing my fears as I sit here and type out my truths in a way I never would have before. If these words reach you, if they please you, if they haunt or bother you…they are for you.

I have been brought here from home, I agreed to it. I have been…cold and alone. Raped, humiliated, left, forgotten. I have been held. I have grieved for the lonely and left behind, forgiven the cruel. I’ve hurt others and carried the shame of it.

In the bottom of a bottle was the reflection that I didn’t want to see, and snow white lines sometimes erased the vision for me. When I tried to scrub the nicotine from my hands (can’t stand the smell), I avoided the water splashed mirror as well.

One day I woke up, nose crusted with blood and old makeup smudged in a way I never pictured for myself. I was not who I thought I was meant to become…what a gift! To clearly see rock bottom, to be forced to feel the weight of it all. The crushing, clawing, empty pressure of…loss of love, trust, or direction. For the first time in months I sobbed.

I don’t know why this is all coming out now…if you’re still reading, thanks for sticking around. I will have to continue this later, I am lost in a strange new feeling of moving forward. It gets better, it gets better.

Memories

I smelled you on the autumn leaves, the breeze tantalizing and snaking through the trees, a serpentine trail bringing me to my knees and whispering “please.”

I can feel you here, in my shaking hands and sea-salt tears.

To be here without you all these years has been…empty and confusing. I look for you in every face, every doorway, every painting and frame as if this lifetime I would recognize your countenance or name.

It’s a shame, really. I am ruined for anything but consuming love and passion, for anyone but the new body you walk in. From time to time I remind myself of reality, because old soulmates from past lives aren’t something to look for here, but I can’t help it.

Knotted

I wish to untangle myself, loosen the knots now molded together at my center

I’m suffocating. My jaw aches with tears that will not come and I do not know how to call the anger forth to me, how to summon my heartbreak to the surface that I might free it.

Everything feels disjointed and insincere! As if, at the core, I am empty and void of anything real. I cannot touch my own wounds and this leaves my joys shallow and short-lived.

I know I am sad in the way I know that breathing is an involuntary and automatic function. I am lonely, I am blessed and content.

This is rhythmless and lacking melody, it’s emotionless the way I used to be. I do not desire to fall back into the robotic habits of protection. The old fortress is now a ruinous impediment…how do I dismantle it?

Non-Poetry, Untitled

My jaw aches with tears that refuse to come, ones that for once I want. There is an old sadness in me and I long for it to spill out in a great flood.

Empty me, exhaust me, ruin the levies and drown the ruins of old walls. They aren’t protecting me anymore! An impediment, brittle and stubborn around my heart and soul. I see myself pounding the glass. My face is contorted strangely in the mirror, an ugly reflection trying to feel. I am trying to be sincere, trying to be open fully. I must have suffered greatly at some point in my karmic past to come here with the framework ready…and I know this life was unkind in many ways. I’m ready and looking to thrive when my being is still weary of easy survival.

Crafting Faith

Angelface

Coming into myself and into my grace

Just faith…and so different than what I believed it to be

Not sky-blue, store-bought frosting

But self-harvested sugar, scraped from the cane as I am born again

Whipped with butter churned from my struggles

Made into something enitrely new

No longer afraid to lose myself in the web

I AM the web

Angelface the Weaver

Farewell to Fear & Anger – Unedited/Unrevised

I keep expecting something big & poetic,
A wild vision of kinetic energy in motion
A potion, a barrage of emotion
Indeed I am alone in the ocean; not really treading, just barely floating
I came to this place to confront my fear, for some reason I thought it would manifest here
As a demon, as semen, as something unseen
As something once breathing, a liar, or teasing
But I’m sinking in the feeling it’s something less tangible, a little less manageable
And aching to be forgotten! Enticing me to drop it, inviting me to stop it instead of just stopping “It.”
I can’t quit!
The language here is dicey, but my god! The consequences pricey; paying rent to old captors when my spirit is so feisty? Come and fight! You can find me, I’ll be glowing; maybe crying, never slowing.
I am not sorry! I am not. I am not damaged or afraid, I am not weak or less or maimed. I remain, I remain. I am not beholden, or frigid, or frozen by your touch or entitlement.
I am above it! I cut it! Sword of Justice, light as a feather. Borrowed from Michael, you’ll never forget her…I decided to keep her. I’m a KEEPER! I’M A KEY, I AM A SEER, A FREER! I AM FREE, YES! (Angels and guides here) WE FREED HER! WE ALWAYS KNEW YOU WOULD BE HER! (Back to me)
Can you see her?
I am not bad for my existence, or a killer because my kisses are intoxicating
Yes, I may be a temptress
A soothing balm for all your messes, but I refuse to be your Atlas, not required to be your map-quest
And I am not too soft or shiny to call on my mother, Lilith! Crying out for strength and power when you’ve overstepped your boundaries
But…I have risen above lashing out in anger
You’ve trespassed my body and for a while I felt scars rising on my heart, threatening to mark my soul – it is un-mar-able.
I cut away the layers I’d made and found myself reborn, whole!
I will not be praying for you or preying on you or owned by you ~ I do not fear you or fear for you!
I am…emergent? I am emerging victorious, Venus on the foamy shore!
Screaming! Screaming Victory! The tar-heart of Beauregard dripping at my feet.
I am fearless and full, and I see the darkness in myself. I am soft and silly, plain spoken and young. I am ancient and complex, an ocean of ONE.
I am maiden, mother, Crone
I need not do it all on my own
My flow, indeed it is OUR flow! Connected to all the rich blood of my cycle, of old magick, of death, of allure, of black velvet richness.
And that is not – naught in the world is! – exclusive to the closed connotations crafted of fearful expectations and shallow understanding perpetuated by people who can only exist in boxes and segments and liminal spaces.
By knowing this I understand that I know nothing!
Oh! I do not fear the Morrigan, or Lilith, or Kali! I do not hide from myself facets of Hekate! I no longer shudder when I am compared to Her! Ha! To see such power, such fire…such infinite love, to be recognized as a spirit of such…as a goddess of creation and destruction…I find my purpose in their reflection!
I DO NOT RUN FROM LEI NYRA OR ODALÏ, or Circe, or any part/one of me. I do not deny the light of Saint Michael the Archangel in all of his glory or calm silliness. Nothing is conditional and I am infinite!
I do not deny Cernunnos, or Apollo, or Hypnos…but especially Cernunnos, the Hunter! The passionate, wild masculine.
Indeed I need balance that way, I can say it! I trust myself to know it in my presence.
I can be all pieces of myself cohesively…I am and I must be!
I needed to know that together these pieces made a whole, a jewel-toned mosaic, a holy blossom unfolded.
I am crowned! I am worthy and needed, I was meant to be here breathing. Knowing and needing, waiting, seething, leaping! Loving and grieving!
And worked through
I am the conduit, but I choose! I choose who I offer my hands and mouth to, who I push aside molecules for and have to cough back out again.
Undoubtedly I am priestess and keeper of the Celestial Storehouse,
I flip through the Akashic Records at the (any) time of my choosing. It will become (it is) soothing.
I’m no fool! But I’m always delving deeper
Leaping on faith, asking existence to be my teacher and my heart to be my leader.
Until the day I meet the Reaper, until the day I meet the Reaper!
Until the day I no longer breathe here, I will still be here
In the wind and the trees.

Continuous Motion

I am, as ever, in a period of transition…of release and forward motion, inhale, exhale.

There are so many things preparing to spring forth from me! I feel like a volcano and a magnetic field.

Right now, at work, I’m too tired to get much else out. There are days-on-end writing phases preparing themselves. There are (more) deep meditations to be experienced and shared. Vision boards to be created, lists to write, spells to craft, Spirits to honor.

I have no desire for company save for 7 or so people, and 4-5 of them in small doses only. I feel the pull of the raven haired man, I feel ready to meet him…but I am not eager or impatient, naive or jaded. Just prepared.

I imagine this is a strange update for anyone following. I was in a very deep, dark place for a while. I have come out of it, like the Star that so often is my significator.

Return

It has been many moons, my friends

Since I cared to touch brush, lens, key, or pen

And I am unsure of how to begin again!

But I am reborn, and I am returned, and I am alight with new found fire.

Debt Free

Tonight has been strange…peaceful and kind in its solitude, honest in the way I am shown to myself.

At the same time I’m lost. I’m swimming instead of wallowing in the sadness I harbor, wading in the depths of my life.

Kept company by thoughts of old friends, fresh memories, amends to be made with myself…I am as okay as I can be right now.

God is it dark! Is it sad! Here, with the Atlas weight of my friends’ depression…here, with the slow but efficient bone grinder of a caregiver’s work

Here, indeed, in this dark and cool room I find the peace of a starlit night away from the city. Here, amongst the steady snoring of the sick and forgetful I find peace.

I will not live in this place of suffering, in this bleak ocean of repetitive death through little means. I will move up, into the soft rays of light.

I will love the darkness like an old friend, but I will not pay it rent.

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