Tonight has been strange…peaceful and kind in its solitude, honest in the way I am shown to myself.

At the same time I’m lost. I’m swimming instead of wallowing in the sadness I harbor, wading in the depths of my life.

Kept company by thoughts of old friends, fresh memories, amends to be made with myself…I am as okay as I can be right now.

God is it dark! Is it sad! Here, with the Atlas weight of my friends’ depression…here, with the slow but efficient bone grinder of a caregiver’s work

Here, indeed, in this dark and cool room I find the peace of a starlit night away from the city. Here, amongst the steady snoring of the sick and forgetful I find peace.

I will not live in this place of suffering, in this bleak ocean of repetitive death through little means. I will move up, into the soft rays of light.

I will love the darkness like an old friend, but I will not pay it rent.